The past few weeks, have been the hardest weeks of my life. I will not go into detail at this time, but what I will say is, change is scary...
How do I know if the decisions I make today, will be the decisions I look back on in a week from now and agree they were the right ones? I am finding strength I never knew, or even dreamed I had. I am finding that Heather, when pushed, pushes back, and becomes a fierce lioness. She is tough. She is determined. She is smart. She is strong. She is capable. She is compassionate...but what she is not? Confident. I tell myself I am good enough. I tell myself I am attractive & lovable. But really, I don't believe it is true. I have amazing people in my life who tell me daily that I am good enough, not only good enough, but amazing. Is it true? Do others see qualities in me that really are there? Or do they just see me through rose colored glasses? Am I the person they think I am? Should it matter to me what others think? Is the way to build a self esteem listening to others? Isn't that why I hate myself to begin with? Because as a young impressionable child, I listened and believed when I was told I wasn't good enough? When I was told I would never be great...I was a sponge that absorbed it all. There are moments in life that I feel great, things I have written about before. But when it is just me, alone, in my thoughts, I feel small & insignificant. I want to be the phoenix I was recently compared to. I want to be that fierce hard to deter predator. Can I get there? That is the road this journey is currently taking. A road I never thought I would travel, but one I am going down...no speed limit sign in sight. I am opening my eyes to possibilities I never even saw before.
I am going to be great. I am going to do great things. I am going to make a difference. I am going to be free to be me. I am going to love hard. I am going to dream big. I am going to be the person that is hiding...I just have to find her and fight like hell to make her stay. I am going to...be me...whoever that may be.
