Is knowledge power? Or is ignorance bliss?

Would you rather not know? Would you rather bury your head in the sand and live in a state of ignorance? Is ignorance really bliss? If there were a secret, something life altering, huge...and knowing would cause you and many others pain, would you still want to know? Is knowledge power? When you have the knowledge, is it your job to tell others, to warn, inform? Those who are or could be directly affected by this "secret"? Do you protect those who can't protect themselves at all costs? Is it worth being viewed as the 'villain'? To have your motives questioned? Your character drug through the mud? This is something I have struggled with for many months now. A while back, some very important, sad, heartbreaking information literally fell into my lap. What should I have done? Should I have kept it a secret like so many others in the past had? Should I have thought about myself and not others? Should I have blown the whistle immediately? Should I have given the person the "benefit of the doubt?" And believed they had changed, were no longer capable of the unthinkable? Should I have been a coward and brushed it under the rug because I was afraid of the consequences? Afraid of the backlash that would surely happen? Should I have gone against my gut to make others happy? Others, that in my lowest moments, greatest times of need, turned their backs on me and lied, spread falsities and tried to hurt me and my little humans? 

These, along with hundreds of other questions are what has been running through my mind nonstop, keeping me awake replaying scenarios in my head like a broken record for the past several months. I tried to go against my core, my DNA and remain quiet. Tried, begged at points even, for the others with the same knowledge to step forward and pull the alarm. Others who would have not been met with hostility. Others who would have been viewed as coming from a pure place. But like so many times before, those others, failed to do so. The time came, the alarm had to be pulled. I was already the evil one in their eyes, so what does it matter to add one more accusation to my record. 

So I did it, I rang the alarm. And like history has a habit of doing, it repeated itself. I am once again the hated one. Once again the evil one who only sets out to cause pain and drama. Is this accurate? Hell no! Do I wish someone had the balls to step up a LONG time ago and put forth the information? Absolutely. Where was that village that was supposed to protect the young? Where were those people who are supposed to go to the ends of the earth to keep the innocent safe? Where in the hell has the moral compass gone in so many people who consider themselves to be "God fearing" and "Satan hating"? Why does time and time again the ball get dropped? Why don't people have courage to do what is right and take the selfishness out of the equation. Why can't we not put ourselves, our selfish desires, needs, last for a moment and think about the bigger picture? 

Do I regret blowing the whistle? NO! Am I sad at the backlash that has occurred and will continue to? Sure. Am I surprised? Honestly no. I have learned over the past several months to deal with disappointment really well. I am a Momma Bear. Not just to my cubs, but to other cubs who deserve to be protected. If no one else is willing to step forward to distribute truth and knowledge about a certain situation, being hated is a small price to pay to ensure their safety. 

To those who ignore, bury your heads and point fingers at those of us who do not, look in the mirror and for a brief second try to not be selfish and think about the impact your lack of actions may have on others. To those of you who attack and lash out against the whistle blowers, shame on you. You should take a moment to look in that very same mirror and maybe be grateful there are people out there who love your cubs enough to take the bullet.

And finally, to those of you brave enough to open your mouth and face the firing squad bravo. The loneliness and sadness you will experience while heartbreaking, ultimately helps you grow a thicker, sturdier skin. I respect myself because I know the root of my actions has come from a pure, well thought out place. I do not regret having the guts to say it out loud. And really, the circle of those supporters around you, while may have dwindled in size, those last remaining are the ones you can truly call "friends." The others that drift away, while at one point served a purpose, now serve as a reminder of not allowing yourself to be too vulnerable, to ignore the right thing to do and to not go against your innate morality and do what is right. I know my intentions. This circle of true friends, family, loves, knows my intentions. And in the end of the day, when I rest my head on my pillow, that is all it takes to allow my restful slumber. 

Thank you to those who have stood by me and continue to do so. I love you. And those in Utah, I will see you soon! :-)

Good Riddance!!

Dear 2013,
To say it nicely, you can kiss my ASS. You started off with a BANG! I passed out twice New Years Day from what I later found out was an abnormality with my heart. This should have been the perfect warning to what a totally hellish year you were going to turn out to be. By Valentines Day, the roller coaster was already coming off of the track. My marriage was about to collapse and spiral completely off track. Looking back, March & April were pretty much the definition of bipolar. There were some really amazing moments with him. But, there were so many really terrible, horrible, no good very bad days. The fighting, hurting, name calling...just got to be too much. May brought a break, trip to visit my family. A postcard, with a return address. I'd be back to Utah in a few weeks time, to fix what was cracked.
June 2 came...the cracks shattered. What was once somewhat repairable, became a million little pieces of broken promises, broken dreams, broken futures, broken lives. By the end of the month, I had spiraled deeper than I ever thought possible. My heart condition worsened. I lost quite a bit of weight, I could not physically eat. I was sad, relied on unhealthy means to get me through the darkest, saddest, scariest days of my life.
July brought the tough conversations with the kids. The revelations that we would not be returning to Utah, to our home, our friends, our lives...ever. The tears that occurred this month were enough to last a lifetime. Even reflecting on them now, has created tear stained cheeks. The 19th, my favorite day of the year, the day I was born, normally the happiest day of the 365, brought the lowest, saddest, most intense pain and betrayal I believe I can ever experience. At my home, on my day...to see him, and her, my "friend"...to have my suspicions confirmed. Never, felt lower. The drive back to SC, a place I never imagined returning to on a permanent basis, was BRUTAL. The sadness was all encompassing. My heart hurt. My brain hurt. My feelings hurt. My soul, was crushed.
August, stayed busy, stayed numb. School started, it was confirmed that my children are geniuses. Their fears over the new began to dissipate. They started making friends. Started activities. Smiles began happening, laughter started to echo. I saw what a short time ago were gaping open wounds, start to scab over a little. Football games, birthday parties, family outings...what was happening here? A sense of...a new, normal?
September. Things start falling into a routine. I begin to look for work. Get closure with some friends I sorely miss. Begin to plan, budget. I decide on one Monday afternoon, I am going to fake it until I make it. If I let the world think I am fine, maybe I will begin to believe it to. Appointment made to get my new beginning dove tattoo. "Every breath is a second chance..." That very week, Friday, at a football game with my kids. I get a FB message from a guy I went to school with. Chatting begins. "How are you?" "What are you up to?" "You look great." "My life has fallen apart. Really? Mine too!" An entire night of chatting. He makes me laugh. He asks me out on what I then considered to be a pity date. I tell him no, he doesn't need to feel obligated to take the broken girl on a date. He insists. I reluctantly accept.
September 21st, starts off with getting my tattoo. I love it. Rush home, get ready. He picks me up. He smells great. Within 90 seconds, the attraction is intense. The laughter doesn't cease. Dinner. Walk downtown. Starbucks. Driving around for hours. First kiss on the beach. He says "I don't want this date to end." I say, "I feel the same." He takes me home. Asks to spend the following day with me too. Movie, shopping, food, songs that will eventually become "ours" on the radio. I like him, but I am scared too. I am still broken. Still raw. Still certain I am unlovable. The next few weeks are a whirlwind. Cannot believe this has happened. I wasn't looking for a man. He can't be as wonderful as my head/heart tells me is...can he?
October brings hope. As the season changes, so does my perspective, a little. Dare I say it, but I allow myself to fall. Fall hard, fall deep, fall completely. I am in 100% in love. My future looks bright, there's hope, there is a tomorrow again... November continues to renew my faith in love. My faith in myself. I am trying so hard to forgive myself for the mistakes of my past. I am trying to do what the big guy is teaching me. Stop beating myself up over my mistakes. Stop holding on to the anger, bitterness, hostility and realize...that had we each not walked the path we have walked. Been hurt by the decisions of others who did not care about the impact it would have on us...our paths would not have lead to where we both are. Here. Together. In each other's tender embrace. I try. Some days I succeed more than others. I get a full-time job. Me working nights brings a new challenge. Trying to fit in time to be alone. I am tired. I am trying. It continues to amaze me...how much I love this boy. My kids love this boy. He loves us. He has given himself whole heartedly to my little family. He has bonded individually with each of my kids. Without me even suggesting. Takes my big boy to the battleship museum. Takes the diva to a birthday party. Little man loves to wrestle with him, makes fun of his "girlie" truck. We have made so many memories. Christmas village outings. Lights. Fire museums. Shopping. Movie nights...on & on & on. It is all so effortless. He doesn't act "forced" into being a part of our lives. It is such a change. Such a nice, welcome, wonderful change.

So now this takes me to 12-31-13. I am sitting here reflecting, questioning how the hell did I make it through? To think of the complete 180 my life has done in 365 days. 8,760 hours....but a LIFETIME of upheavals. I am actually content, satisfied with where my life is at this exact moment in time. I am in love. My kids are amazing, our bonds have strengthened. Although working nights kicks my butt, I love my job. I am so enjoying my independence. I completed 8 5Ks this year. Last year, I couldn't have dreamed of doing 1. I am realizing that fate isn't in charge of my destiny, I am. There are dreams I have had, things I want to do, goals I want to accomplish that I never thought I could because I didn't believe in myself and was married to the glass half empty guy. I love making my own money. I love kowing how much I have and whether or not I have the money to take my kids bowling. Or to buy little man the new light up shoes he wants. Making, spending my OWN money is so incredibly freeing. Not having to ask if it was ok for me to spend $5 on tampons. Or $10 at McDonalds. This is my favorite past of being single. I never knew how good being in my own damn driver's seat could feel.

So...2014...I have MAJOR hopes that you will KICK ASS. My hopes for you:
1) That really soon my damn divorce will FINALLY be FINALIZED. I hate having that nagging knowledge that legally I am still a MRS. to a person I  have no respect for and whom doesn't deserve to say my name, let alone be legally called my husband. Ewwww
2) I get my own place to live. Funny how your standards, desires change with your situation. A year ago I dreamt of the "bigger, better, fancier" house. Now I just want and address that only receives mail addressed to me and my little humans.
3) Become more successful in all aspects of life. As a mother. As a companion. As an employee. As a friend. As a sister. As a student. As a contributing member of society.
4) Learn to love me like my boy loves me. Learn to look in the mirror and appreciate all that is right. All that is healthy and wonderful. not dwell on this blemish or that imperfection. Learn to see myself through the eyes of those who truly, love me. Not because they are forced or obligated, but because they frankly, think I rock.
5) Continue on the path of health. Run many more races. Set physical goals and accomplish them.
6) Save a little money and treat myself to a nice little vacation simply because, for all that is holy, I deserve it.
7) Stand up for myself against any and all bullies in the world. Be a voice for those who have not yet found their voice.
8) Fully kick HEATHER 5.0 into turbo gear. Love hard. Be loyal to the few that proved loyalty to me in my time of need. And not worry myself with the petty, uninformed words of others.
9) LOVE ME.

Hasta la vista you ugly evil, horrid, bitch of a year 2013. HOLA 2014!!!!~~