That is the emotion of the day, of the month it seems. I am annoyed!
I am annoyed at life.
I am annoyed at people who make me angry.
I am annoyed at toxic waste of space creatures.
But mostly I am annoyed at...
myself.
Why you ask? Why am I so annoyed at myself?
Because I have allowed myself to lose track of my goal! I have allowed myself to become so distracted with my life that I have let important goals and dreams slip away.
I have become such a juggler, yet I forgot to throw one ball in the air to juggle...
Ball 1,2,3...my kids. Being a single mom really took some adjustment. To be able to devote the amount of time and attention that I think each child deserves is freaking hard! After some bumps in the road and through trial and error, I figured it out...to some extent.
Ball 4...my new status as a full-time tax payer. Not only do I work 40/hrs a week, the hours are kicking my arse! I work from 11pm-7am. I like the job, my co-workers. But the drawbacks are the hours I spend completely alone and the fact that I have not yet been able to figure out a sleep schedule! I am sleep deprived big time. But I feel so guilty when I sleep during the day. Even though it is obviously necessary the fact that my sleeping takes away from my kids...is really hard for me.
Ball 5...my friend. I would say friends, but truth be told...I only have one actual friend here in SC, and she has expressed to me that she is bothered I haven't made time for her lately. I want nothing more, because she is one of my favorite people on the planet, but I am indeed having trouble figuring out how to keep that ball in the air. I feel like any attempts I make are not enough...so this is definitely a ball I need some work on keeping in the air.
Ball 6...my new relationship. This ball brings me so much joy, so much laughter, so much hope and renewed faith in myself. This ball is fun to juggle, but like all things in life...it takes a lot of work. The emotions that come with falling in love. The sadness that comes with disagreements. The dance of trying to mesh lives, maintain independence all while trying to find an identity as a couple...it is very trying and tiring at times. Learning each others weaknesses, strengths, annoyances, quirks. Each one of us trying to mend the other's very tattered, bruised, cracked hearts. Trying to convince him that he is amazing, incredible...and worth so much more than anyone in his life has ever made him feel...yea...it is a lot of work, quite stressful and frustrating at times...but ultimately...so freaking rewarding and worth it!
So that's where the juggling has been...what's missing...what is Ball #7?? Yea...ME! Where is the Heather that was motivated to be fit. Determined to be amazing. Convinced she could compete in triathalons if she desired...where is that ball?? I recently discovered, that ball has been hiding in the dusty corner of my converted garage room at my parents house where I live...It's there...covered in dust particles, right next to my tennis shoes and spandex running pants. It is a little bit of a bigger ball than it was 6 months ago...a little rounder...but I found the freaking ball! I need to find some motivation to make that ball pretty...shiny, fit. I need to figure out how, with all of the other important balls that are being juggled, to throw one more in the mix. I admit, I have worked out still, just very inconsistently. I am doing another 5K in 2 weeks. Majority of the days I am still doing ok on my diet. I haven't resorted back to the majority of my comfort foods...but yes...there is A LOT of room for improvement! This ball is going to somehow get back in the mix...just gotta remind myself...that the Heather ball is important too....I've come too far to let this one slip away...
After all...I am Heather 5.0, right??
