So, my oh my what the difference a summer can make. By now, it is no secret. The world knows I am getting divorced. Much of the world knows much too much of the drama surrounding this pending separation of lives. I have relocated myself & my kids back home to the land of humidity ridden hair, cheesy grits & bugs the size of bagels...good old South Carolina.
While I am not interested in going in to detail about the decision to divorce, the shocking behavior that has followed, what I am interested in tackling...strength.
OK, so I have never considered myself a weak person, but until recently, the word weak to me meant physical strength...I never really took the time to think about the emotional side of this. Emotionally...was I strong? Weak? Hmm...I don't know what I used to be, but I can tell you today...I feel strong(er). Today I feel more empowered, more courageous, more prepared. I have done things, accomplished things, made decisions that 2 months ago TERRIFIED me. I have cried a lot. I have doubted myself every step of the way. I continue to doubt my ability, to wonder that when these wings spread, can I truly fly? Can the fears I have be squashed by the power I now possess? I have seen glimpses, however small and brief, of this freaking powerful, bold, strong phoenix-like woman. This person, who is setting goals, accomplishing them, making shit happen! This woman who is truly, honestly beginning to dream big! Who is unphased by the naysayers. Who has learned to use insults as fuel to her fire!
Call me fat, I will run faster, burn more calories.
Call me a bitch, I will smile & laugh at your immaturity.
Tell me I'm greedy, I will work harder, making an amazing productive HAPPY life for my family of 4.
Tell me I'm your biggest mistake, I will squeeze my babies a little tighter at bedtime & thank God I got the best parts of you.
I am learning that the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. Not to get overwhelmed at its enormity. I am learning, slowly, sometimes after many failed attempts, that this is true. I set small goals for myself. And at the time they seem so insignificant and like they don't make a difference. But now, after all of these tiny things begin to turn into something bigger, something of an accomplishment, I am proud of myself for doing what I have done. For trying and succeeding to make decisions with my brain, not my emotions. It is hard at times, when the flood of feelings, the sadness, longing for the life you dreamed of, thought you would have soon...cloud your judgement and bring you down. But those days are happening less & less. I am waking positive, able to focus on the good more so than the bad. The majority of my anger is gone. I want to get my head out of the bad place & keep it up high where the beautiful things happen. I want to enjoy my kids, my life, my new (old) city. I want to explore the options. I want to find Heather...to love her, embrace her, improve her & be her.
This is all happening, slowly but surely. I am grateful to the few people who I now know I can truly count on no matter what. The people who can be honest with me, tell me their opinion, tell me when I am being a bonehead, but then wrap their arms around me & love the hell out of me. So to those...thank you. Because without you...I'd be a broken shell of the girl who could've soared, but instead gave up.
So...it is time to see what this chick is made of! Can I get a whoop whoop!?!? :)
