How do I do this? I am a confrontational person. Some people may think that is a bad thing, I however disagree. I am a confrontational person when necessary. I firmly believe a lot gets accomplished when things just get laid out on the table. I do not "sweep things under the rug" so to speak. I try to apply this to all aspects of my life. Whether it is professionally, in relationships, friendships...but what happens when confrontation is not an option? What do you do when the one person you really want to speak to, to look in the eye and explain your feelings, your hurt, your anger...isn't available or chooses not to respond to your requests? How then am I left to heal? Many of you may think I am referring to my ex, let me make it clear, I am not. We have had some rather productive conversations lately. And while there is still a lot of deep seeded issues there, having the opportunity to be heard and just getting things off my chest, has helped.
I am in a happy place as far as my present state. My job is great. My kids are amazing, my guy is a Godsend. But why does the past haunt me? How do I heal these wounds? How do I get over the feeling of being deceived, wronged? How do I find closure in a different way than confrontation?
I love my guy. Part of me knows that without us both having gone through what we have been through in the past, we wouldn't be where we are today. We wouldn't be with each other, wouldn't be the people we are. The appreciation for one another wouldn't be so massive, the passion wouldn't be so intense. But it doesn't make swallowing the past hurts any easier. Why is it that we have to experience pain and hurt before we can appreciate the happy and joy? The country song by Rascal Flatts has come to thought so much for me lately:
"I set on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love, along a broken road.
But I got lost a time or two, wiped my brow kept pushing through,
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you.
That every long lost dream led me to where we are, others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms. This much I know is true, God blessed the broken road that let me straight to you..."
I so agree. The man I am with, feels so right, so perfect. When he holds me, it feels like his arms were truly made to be my place to fall. Our love is effortless. I don't have to try to impress him. I don't have to try to be good enough. I don't care that he sees me with no makeup, bed hair, in sweats. I am not afraid that when I am grumpy and ornery he isn't going to love me anymore. I cannot believe I am about to say this...because a few very short months ago I was convinced it wasn't true in any sense...but when I am with this man...I feel GOOD ENOUGH. When he tells me he loves me, that I am beautiful, the look in his eyes makes me know he is not just saying it because he feels obligated to...he is saying it because he honestly means it...
so again...it brings me back to retrospection. If I am this happy...and it took me going through what I went through, and him going through what he went through...why oh why can I not just accept the past and move on? Why do I feel the need to be heard...to have my moment to look that person in the eye and just say "You hurt me"...why? I once read a quote that really resonated with me:
"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is because they see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is and the future less resolved than it will be."
Is this accurate? Do I need closure? Or is there a way to move on and get my happy on? Is there a way to just allow myself to love him without worry that he will break my heart. Is there a way to trust my judgement enough? Can I truly have found my knight in shining armor so soon after my life crumbled into a million pieces? Is it fair for me to accept his help and rely on him to help me glue those tiny shattered pieces back together? Is it acceptable to be ecstatic about our future? To imagine how adorable our little ginger haired child will be? Am I ok to love without fear? Can I accept the past without allowing it riddle my future with fears? Can I be retrospective and cautious without being scared to live my truth?
Can I be me, all of me?
