I don't want jewelry. I don't want candies, two dozen roses or extravagant gestures that profess your love for me. I don't want a man that pretends to be who I want/deserve, 1 day a year while being a reluctant participant in our lives the other 364 with the occasional glimpse of hope thrown in there. I don't want balloons or fancy dinners. I want real. What is real you ask? Real is a man, who knowingly took on a girl (me) with such a complicated, messy, broken past, because he saw beyond it all and loved her (me) for who I used to be, who I can one day become again. Real is being accepted just as I am, imperfections and all. Real is him, not wanting me to change the things that make me, me. Even the annoying traits, the things that drive him crazy. Real is knowing that not only did that man take on the broken girl, but he took on 3 opinionated, sometimes sassy, too smart for their own good, loud, rambunctious, yet incredible kids. Real is having him WANT to be a part of the everyday monotony. Helping me juggle, helping with homework, guitar lessons, teach respect, carpool. Real is the man who gets excited at the idea of "family" Valentine's Day. No romantic just the two of us stuff. But making heart pizzas, pink cupcakes, playing games & maybe if I'm lucky forcing him to watch one of my favorite chick flicks he's never seen after the youngen's get to bed...(Hope Floats anyone?) Real is being the first thought that crosses his mind in the morning as he sends his "Good Morning Beautiful" text & the last thought each night as he tells me to drive safely to work. Real is having this man in our lives who didn't have to be. Real is having him not try to replace anyone, but just bring a new goodness, excitement into our lives. Real is sharing our dreams and hopes, frustrations and problems with him. Real is working through issues without fighting, without raising our voices (mostly). Real is having your oldest kids tell you they like how we fight because it is always done with laughter, sarcasm, and most of all, respect. Real is happiness. Real is sincerity. Real is adoring this human being and dreaming of the day we can be together as a "family" under one roof and working at attaining some of those dreams we have created together. Real is not caring about Valentine's Day, but focusing on the day after, the week after, the month after....Real is visualizing a future built on trust, honesty, humor, admiration, loyalty...valuing and vowing to not lose sight of these things.
Real is love 365.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Is knowledge power? Or is ignorance bliss?
Would you rather not know? Would you rather bury your head in the sand and live in a state of ignorance? Is ignorance really bliss? If there were a secret, something life altering, huge...and knowing would cause you and many others pain, would you still want to know? Is knowledge power? When you have the knowledge, is it your job to tell others, to warn, inform? Those who are or could be directly affected by this "secret"? Do you protect those who can't protect themselves at all costs? Is it worth being viewed as the 'villain'? To have your motives questioned? Your character drug through the mud? This is something I have struggled with for many months now. A while back, some very important, sad, heartbreaking information literally fell into my lap. What should I have done? Should I have kept it a secret like so many others in the past had? Should I have thought about myself and not others? Should I have blown the whistle immediately? Should I have given the person the "benefit of the doubt?" And believed they had changed, were no longer capable of the unthinkable? Should I have been a coward and brushed it under the rug because I was afraid of the consequences? Afraid of the backlash that would surely happen? Should I have gone against my gut to make others happy? Others, that in my lowest moments, greatest times of need, turned their backs on me and lied, spread falsities and tried to hurt me and my little humans?
These, along with hundreds of other questions are what has been running through my mind nonstop, keeping me awake replaying scenarios in my head like a broken record for the past several months. I tried to go against my core, my DNA and remain quiet. Tried, begged at points even, for the others with the same knowledge to step forward and pull the alarm. Others who would have not been met with hostility. Others who would have been viewed as coming from a pure place. But like so many times before, those others, failed to do so. The time came, the alarm had to be pulled. I was already the evil one in their eyes, so what does it matter to add one more accusation to my record.
So I did it, I rang the alarm. And like history has a habit of doing, it repeated itself. I am once again the hated one. Once again the evil one who only sets out to cause pain and drama. Is this accurate? Hell no! Do I wish someone had the balls to step up a LONG time ago and put forth the information? Absolutely. Where was that village that was supposed to protect the young? Where were those people who are supposed to go to the ends of the earth to keep the innocent safe? Where in the hell has the moral compass gone in so many people who consider themselves to be "God fearing" and "Satan hating"? Why does time and time again the ball get dropped? Why don't people have courage to do what is right and take the selfishness out of the equation. Why can't we not put ourselves, our selfish desires, needs, last for a moment and think about the bigger picture?
Do I regret blowing the whistle? NO! Am I sad at the backlash that has occurred and will continue to? Sure. Am I surprised? Honestly no. I have learned over the past several months to deal with disappointment really well. I am a Momma Bear. Not just to my cubs, but to other cubs who deserve to be protected. If no one else is willing to step forward to distribute truth and knowledge about a certain situation, being hated is a small price to pay to ensure their safety.
To those who ignore, bury your heads and point fingers at those of us who do not, look in the mirror and for a brief second try to not be selfish and think about the impact your lack of actions may have on others. To those of you who attack and lash out against the whistle blowers, shame on you. You should take a moment to look in that very same mirror and maybe be grateful there are people out there who love your cubs enough to take the bullet.
And finally, to those of you brave enough to open your mouth and face the firing squad bravo. The loneliness and sadness you will experience while heartbreaking, ultimately helps you grow a thicker, sturdier skin. I respect myself because I know the root of my actions has come from a pure, well thought out place. I do not regret having the guts to say it out loud. And really, the circle of those supporters around you, while may have dwindled in size, those last remaining are the ones you can truly call "friends." The others that drift away, while at one point served a purpose, now serve as a reminder of not allowing yourself to be too vulnerable, to ignore the right thing to do and to not go against your innate morality and do what is right. I know my intentions. This circle of true friends, family, loves, knows my intentions. And in the end of the day, when I rest my head on my pillow, that is all it takes to allow my restful slumber.
Thank you to those who have stood by me and continue to do so. I love you. And those in Utah, I will see you soon! :-)
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Good Riddance!!
Dear 2013,
To say it nicely, you can kiss my ASS. You started off with a BANG! I passed out twice New Years Day from what I later found out was an abnormality with my heart. This should have been the perfect warning to what a totally hellish year you were going to turn out to be. By Valentines Day, the roller coaster was already coming off of the track. My marriage was about to collapse and spiral completely off track. Looking back, March & April were pretty much the definition of bipolar. There were some really amazing moments with him. But, there were so many really terrible, horrible, no good very bad days. The fighting, hurting, name calling...just got to be too much. May brought a break, trip to visit my family. A postcard, with a return address. I'd be back to Utah in a few weeks time, to fix what was cracked.
June 2 came...the cracks shattered. What was once somewhat repairable, became a million little pieces of broken promises, broken dreams, broken futures, broken lives. By the end of the month, I had spiraled deeper than I ever thought possible. My heart condition worsened. I lost quite a bit of weight, I could not physically eat. I was sad, relied on unhealthy means to get me through the darkest, saddest, scariest days of my life.
July brought the tough conversations with the kids. The revelations that we would not be returning to Utah, to our home, our friends, our lives...ever. The tears that occurred this month were enough to last a lifetime. Even reflecting on them now, has created tear stained cheeks. The 19th, my favorite day of the year, the day I was born, normally the happiest day of the 365, brought the lowest, saddest, most intense pain and betrayal I believe I can ever experience. At my home, on my day...to see him, and her, my "friend"...to have my suspicions confirmed. Never, felt lower. The drive back to SC, a place I never imagined returning to on a permanent basis, was BRUTAL. The sadness was all encompassing. My heart hurt. My brain hurt. My feelings hurt. My soul, was crushed.
August, stayed busy, stayed numb. School started, it was confirmed that my children are geniuses. Their fears over the new began to dissipate. They started making friends. Started activities. Smiles began happening, laughter started to echo. I saw what a short time ago were gaping open wounds, start to scab over a little. Football games, birthday parties, family outings...what was happening here? A sense of...a new, normal?
September. Things start falling into a routine. I begin to look for work. Get closure with some friends I sorely miss. Begin to plan, budget. I decide on one Monday afternoon, I am going to fake it until I make it. If I let the world think I am fine, maybe I will begin to believe it to. Appointment made to get my new beginning dove tattoo. "Every breath is a second chance..." That very week, Friday, at a football game with my kids. I get a FB message from a guy I went to school with. Chatting begins. "How are you?" "What are you up to?" "You look great." "My life has fallen apart. Really? Mine too!" An entire night of chatting. He makes me laugh. He asks me out on what I then considered to be a pity date. I tell him no, he doesn't need to feel obligated to take the broken girl on a date. He insists. I reluctantly accept.
September 21st, starts off with getting my tattoo. I love it. Rush home, get ready. He picks me up. He smells great. Within 90 seconds, the attraction is intense. The laughter doesn't cease. Dinner. Walk downtown. Starbucks. Driving around for hours. First kiss on the beach. He says "I don't want this date to end." I say, "I feel the same." He takes me home. Asks to spend the following day with me too. Movie, shopping, food, songs that will eventually become "ours" on the radio. I like him, but I am scared too. I am still broken. Still raw. Still certain I am unlovable. The next few weeks are a whirlwind. Cannot believe this has happened. I wasn't looking for a man. He can't be as wonderful as my head/heart tells me is...can he?
October brings hope. As the season changes, so does my perspective, a little. Dare I say it, but I allow myself to fall. Fall hard, fall deep, fall completely. I am in 100% in love. My future looks bright, there's hope, there is a tomorrow again... November continues to renew my faith in love. My faith in myself. I am trying so hard to forgive myself for the mistakes of my past. I am trying to do what the big guy is teaching me. Stop beating myself up over my mistakes. Stop holding on to the anger, bitterness, hostility and realize...that had we each not walked the path we have walked. Been hurt by the decisions of others who did not care about the impact it would have on us...our paths would not have lead to where we both are. Here. Together. In each other's tender embrace. I try. Some days I succeed more than others. I get a full-time job. Me working nights brings a new challenge. Trying to fit in time to be alone. I am tired. I am trying. It continues to amaze me...how much I love this boy. My kids love this boy. He loves us. He has given himself whole heartedly to my little family. He has bonded individually with each of my kids. Without me even suggesting. Takes my big boy to the battleship museum. Takes the diva to a birthday party. Little man loves to wrestle with him, makes fun of his "girlie" truck. We have made so many memories. Christmas village outings. Lights. Fire museums. Shopping. Movie nights...on & on & on. It is all so effortless. He doesn't act "forced" into being a part of our lives. It is such a change. Such a nice, welcome, wonderful change.
So now this takes me to 12-31-13. I am sitting here reflecting, questioning how the hell did I make it through? To think of the complete 180 my life has done in 365 days. 8,760 hours....but a LIFETIME of upheavals. I am actually content, satisfied with where my life is at this exact moment in time. I am in love. My kids are amazing, our bonds have strengthened. Although working nights kicks my butt, I love my job. I am so enjoying my independence. I completed 8 5Ks this year. Last year, I couldn't have dreamed of doing 1. I am realizing that fate isn't in charge of my destiny, I am. There are dreams I have had, things I want to do, goals I want to accomplish that I never thought I could because I didn't believe in myself and was married to the glass half empty guy. I love making my own money. I love kowing how much I have and whether or not I have the money to take my kids bowling. Or to buy little man the new light up shoes he wants. Making, spending my OWN money is so incredibly freeing. Not having to ask if it was ok for me to spend $5 on tampons. Or $10 at McDonalds. This is my favorite past of being single. I never knew how good being in my own damn driver's seat could feel.
So...2014...I have MAJOR hopes that you will KICK ASS. My hopes for you:
1) That really soon my damn divorce will FINALLY be FINALIZED. I hate having that nagging knowledge that legally I am still a MRS. to a person I have no respect for and whom doesn't deserve to say my name, let alone be legally called my husband. Ewwww
2) I get my own place to live. Funny how your standards, desires change with your situation. A year ago I dreamt of the "bigger, better, fancier" house. Now I just want and address that only receives mail addressed to me and my little humans.
3) Become more successful in all aspects of life. As a mother. As a companion. As an employee. As a friend. As a sister. As a student. As a contributing member of society.
4) Learn to love me like my boy loves me. Learn to look in the mirror and appreciate all that is right. All that is healthy and wonderful. not dwell on this blemish or that imperfection. Learn to see myself through the eyes of those who truly, love me. Not because they are forced or obligated, but because they frankly, think I rock.
5) Continue on the path of health. Run many more races. Set physical goals and accomplish them.
6) Save a little money and treat myself to a nice little vacation simply because, for all that is holy, I deserve it.
7) Stand up for myself against any and all bullies in the world. Be a voice for those who have not yet found their voice.
8) Fully kick HEATHER 5.0 into turbo gear. Love hard. Be loyal to the few that proved loyalty to me in my time of need. And not worry myself with the petty, uninformed words of others.
9) LOVE ME.
Hasta la vista you ugly evil, horrid, bitch of a year 2013. HOLA 2014!!!!~~
To say it nicely, you can kiss my ASS. You started off with a BANG! I passed out twice New Years Day from what I later found out was an abnormality with my heart. This should have been the perfect warning to what a totally hellish year you were going to turn out to be. By Valentines Day, the roller coaster was already coming off of the track. My marriage was about to collapse and spiral completely off track. Looking back, March & April were pretty much the definition of bipolar. There were some really amazing moments with him. But, there were so many really terrible, horrible, no good very bad days. The fighting, hurting, name calling...just got to be too much. May brought a break, trip to visit my family. A postcard, with a return address. I'd be back to Utah in a few weeks time, to fix what was cracked.
June 2 came...the cracks shattered. What was once somewhat repairable, became a million little pieces of broken promises, broken dreams, broken futures, broken lives. By the end of the month, I had spiraled deeper than I ever thought possible. My heart condition worsened. I lost quite a bit of weight, I could not physically eat. I was sad, relied on unhealthy means to get me through the darkest, saddest, scariest days of my life.
July brought the tough conversations with the kids. The revelations that we would not be returning to Utah, to our home, our friends, our lives...ever. The tears that occurred this month were enough to last a lifetime. Even reflecting on them now, has created tear stained cheeks. The 19th, my favorite day of the year, the day I was born, normally the happiest day of the 365, brought the lowest, saddest, most intense pain and betrayal I believe I can ever experience. At my home, on my day...to see him, and her, my "friend"...to have my suspicions confirmed. Never, felt lower. The drive back to SC, a place I never imagined returning to on a permanent basis, was BRUTAL. The sadness was all encompassing. My heart hurt. My brain hurt. My feelings hurt. My soul, was crushed.
August, stayed busy, stayed numb. School started, it was confirmed that my children are geniuses. Their fears over the new began to dissipate. They started making friends. Started activities. Smiles began happening, laughter started to echo. I saw what a short time ago were gaping open wounds, start to scab over a little. Football games, birthday parties, family outings...what was happening here? A sense of...a new, normal?
September. Things start falling into a routine. I begin to look for work. Get closure with some friends I sorely miss. Begin to plan, budget. I decide on one Monday afternoon, I am going to fake it until I make it. If I let the world think I am fine, maybe I will begin to believe it to. Appointment made to get my new beginning dove tattoo. "Every breath is a second chance..." That very week, Friday, at a football game with my kids. I get a FB message from a guy I went to school with. Chatting begins. "How are you?" "What are you up to?" "You look great." "My life has fallen apart. Really? Mine too!" An entire night of chatting. He makes me laugh. He asks me out on what I then considered to be a pity date. I tell him no, he doesn't need to feel obligated to take the broken girl on a date. He insists. I reluctantly accept.
September 21st, starts off with getting my tattoo. I love it. Rush home, get ready. He picks me up. He smells great. Within 90 seconds, the attraction is intense. The laughter doesn't cease. Dinner. Walk downtown. Starbucks. Driving around for hours. First kiss on the beach. He says "I don't want this date to end." I say, "I feel the same." He takes me home. Asks to spend the following day with me too. Movie, shopping, food, songs that will eventually become "ours" on the radio. I like him, but I am scared too. I am still broken. Still raw. Still certain I am unlovable. The next few weeks are a whirlwind. Cannot believe this has happened. I wasn't looking for a man. He can't be as wonderful as my head/heart tells me is...can he?
October brings hope. As the season changes, so does my perspective, a little. Dare I say it, but I allow myself to fall. Fall hard, fall deep, fall completely. I am in 100% in love. My future looks bright, there's hope, there is a tomorrow again... November continues to renew my faith in love. My faith in myself. I am trying so hard to forgive myself for the mistakes of my past. I am trying to do what the big guy is teaching me. Stop beating myself up over my mistakes. Stop holding on to the anger, bitterness, hostility and realize...that had we each not walked the path we have walked. Been hurt by the decisions of others who did not care about the impact it would have on us...our paths would not have lead to where we both are. Here. Together. In each other's tender embrace. I try. Some days I succeed more than others. I get a full-time job. Me working nights brings a new challenge. Trying to fit in time to be alone. I am tired. I am trying. It continues to amaze me...how much I love this boy. My kids love this boy. He loves us. He has given himself whole heartedly to my little family. He has bonded individually with each of my kids. Without me even suggesting. Takes my big boy to the battleship museum. Takes the diva to a birthday party. Little man loves to wrestle with him, makes fun of his "girlie" truck. We have made so many memories. Christmas village outings. Lights. Fire museums. Shopping. Movie nights...on & on & on. It is all so effortless. He doesn't act "forced" into being a part of our lives. It is such a change. Such a nice, welcome, wonderful change.
So now this takes me to 12-31-13. I am sitting here reflecting, questioning how the hell did I make it through? To think of the complete 180 my life has done in 365 days. 8,760 hours....but a LIFETIME of upheavals. I am actually content, satisfied with where my life is at this exact moment in time. I am in love. My kids are amazing, our bonds have strengthened. Although working nights kicks my butt, I love my job. I am so enjoying my independence. I completed 8 5Ks this year. Last year, I couldn't have dreamed of doing 1. I am realizing that fate isn't in charge of my destiny, I am. There are dreams I have had, things I want to do, goals I want to accomplish that I never thought I could because I didn't believe in myself and was married to the glass half empty guy. I love making my own money. I love kowing how much I have and whether or not I have the money to take my kids bowling. Or to buy little man the new light up shoes he wants. Making, spending my OWN money is so incredibly freeing. Not having to ask if it was ok for me to spend $5 on tampons. Or $10 at McDonalds. This is my favorite past of being single. I never knew how good being in my own damn driver's seat could feel.
So...2014...I have MAJOR hopes that you will KICK ASS. My hopes for you:
1) That really soon my damn divorce will FINALLY be FINALIZED. I hate having that nagging knowledge that legally I am still a MRS. to a person I have no respect for and whom doesn't deserve to say my name, let alone be legally called my husband. Ewwww
2) I get my own place to live. Funny how your standards, desires change with your situation. A year ago I dreamt of the "bigger, better, fancier" house. Now I just want and address that only receives mail addressed to me and my little humans.
3) Become more successful in all aspects of life. As a mother. As a companion. As an employee. As a friend. As a sister. As a student. As a contributing member of society.
4) Learn to love me like my boy loves me. Learn to look in the mirror and appreciate all that is right. All that is healthy and wonderful. not dwell on this blemish or that imperfection. Learn to see myself through the eyes of those who truly, love me. Not because they are forced or obligated, but because they frankly, think I rock.
5) Continue on the path of health. Run many more races. Set physical goals and accomplish them.
6) Save a little money and treat myself to a nice little vacation simply because, for all that is holy, I deserve it.
7) Stand up for myself against any and all bullies in the world. Be a voice for those who have not yet found their voice.
8) Fully kick HEATHER 5.0 into turbo gear. Love hard. Be loyal to the few that proved loyalty to me in my time of need. And not worry myself with the petty, uninformed words of others.
9) LOVE ME.
Hasta la vista you ugly evil, horrid, bitch of a year 2013. HOLA 2014!!!!~~
Friday, December 6, 2013
Retrospection
Today is a day of retrospection for me. As of late, I have been trying really hard to get closure on certain things. To try and figure out a way to let go of the anger, to let go of the resentment, to let go of the past...
How do I do this? I am a confrontational person. Some people may think that is a bad thing, I however disagree. I am a confrontational person when necessary. I firmly believe a lot gets accomplished when things just get laid out on the table. I do not "sweep things under the rug" so to speak. I try to apply this to all aspects of my life. Whether it is professionally, in relationships, friendships...but what happens when confrontation is not an option? What do you do when the one person you really want to speak to, to look in the eye and explain your feelings, your hurt, your anger...isn't available or chooses not to respond to your requests? How then am I left to heal? Many of you may think I am referring to my ex, let me make it clear, I am not. We have had some rather productive conversations lately. And while there is still a lot of deep seeded issues there, having the opportunity to be heard and just getting things off my chest, has helped.
I am in a happy place as far as my present state. My job is great. My kids are amazing, my guy is a Godsend. But why does the past haunt me? How do I heal these wounds? How do I get over the feeling of being deceived, wronged? How do I find closure in a different way than confrontation?
I love my guy. Part of me knows that without us both having gone through what we have been through in the past, we wouldn't be where we are today. We wouldn't be with each other, wouldn't be the people we are. The appreciation for one another wouldn't be so massive, the passion wouldn't be so intense. But it doesn't make swallowing the past hurts any easier. Why is it that we have to experience pain and hurt before we can appreciate the happy and joy? The country song by Rascal Flatts has come to thought so much for me lately:
"I set on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love, along a broken road.
But I got lost a time or two, wiped my brow kept pushing through,
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you.
That every long lost dream led me to where we are, others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms. This much I know is true, God blessed the broken road that let me straight to you..."
I so agree. The man I am with, feels so right, so perfect. When he holds me, it feels like his arms were truly made to be my place to fall. Our love is effortless. I don't have to try to impress him. I don't have to try to be good enough. I don't care that he sees me with no makeup, bed hair, in sweats. I am not afraid that when I am grumpy and ornery he isn't going to love me anymore. I cannot believe I am about to say this...because a few very short months ago I was convinced it wasn't true in any sense...but when I am with this man...I feel GOOD ENOUGH. When he tells me he loves me, that I am beautiful, the look in his eyes makes me know he is not just saying it because he feels obligated to...he is saying it because he honestly means it...
so again...it brings me back to retrospection. If I am this happy...and it took me going through what I went through, and him going through what he went through...why oh why can I not just accept the past and move on? Why do I feel the need to be heard...to have my moment to look that person in the eye and just say "You hurt me"...why? I once read a quote that really resonated with me:
"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is because they see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is and the future less resolved than it will be."
Is this accurate? Do I need closure? Or is there a way to move on and get my happy on? Is there a way to just allow myself to love him without worry that he will break my heart. Is there a way to trust my judgement enough? Can I truly have found my knight in shining armor so soon after my life crumbled into a million pieces? Is it fair for me to accept his help and rely on him to help me glue those tiny shattered pieces back together? Is it acceptable to be ecstatic about our future? To imagine how adorable our little ginger haired child will be? Am I ok to love without fear? Can I accept the past without allowing it riddle my future with fears? Can I be retrospective and cautious without being scared to live my truth?
Can I be me, all of me?
How do I do this? I am a confrontational person. Some people may think that is a bad thing, I however disagree. I am a confrontational person when necessary. I firmly believe a lot gets accomplished when things just get laid out on the table. I do not "sweep things under the rug" so to speak. I try to apply this to all aspects of my life. Whether it is professionally, in relationships, friendships...but what happens when confrontation is not an option? What do you do when the one person you really want to speak to, to look in the eye and explain your feelings, your hurt, your anger...isn't available or chooses not to respond to your requests? How then am I left to heal? Many of you may think I am referring to my ex, let me make it clear, I am not. We have had some rather productive conversations lately. And while there is still a lot of deep seeded issues there, having the opportunity to be heard and just getting things off my chest, has helped.
I am in a happy place as far as my present state. My job is great. My kids are amazing, my guy is a Godsend. But why does the past haunt me? How do I heal these wounds? How do I get over the feeling of being deceived, wronged? How do I find closure in a different way than confrontation?
I love my guy. Part of me knows that without us both having gone through what we have been through in the past, we wouldn't be where we are today. We wouldn't be with each other, wouldn't be the people we are. The appreciation for one another wouldn't be so massive, the passion wouldn't be so intense. But it doesn't make swallowing the past hurts any easier. Why is it that we have to experience pain and hurt before we can appreciate the happy and joy? The country song by Rascal Flatts has come to thought so much for me lately:
"I set on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love, along a broken road.
But I got lost a time or two, wiped my brow kept pushing through,
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you.
That every long lost dream led me to where we are, others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms. This much I know is true, God blessed the broken road that let me straight to you..."
I so agree. The man I am with, feels so right, so perfect. When he holds me, it feels like his arms were truly made to be my place to fall. Our love is effortless. I don't have to try to impress him. I don't have to try to be good enough. I don't care that he sees me with no makeup, bed hair, in sweats. I am not afraid that when I am grumpy and ornery he isn't going to love me anymore. I cannot believe I am about to say this...because a few very short months ago I was convinced it wasn't true in any sense...but when I am with this man...I feel GOOD ENOUGH. When he tells me he loves me, that I am beautiful, the look in his eyes makes me know he is not just saying it because he feels obligated to...he is saying it because he honestly means it...
so again...it brings me back to retrospection. If I am this happy...and it took me going through what I went through, and him going through what he went through...why oh why can I not just accept the past and move on? Why do I feel the need to be heard...to have my moment to look that person in the eye and just say "You hurt me"...why? I once read a quote that really resonated with me:
"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is because they see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is and the future less resolved than it will be."
Is this accurate? Do I need closure? Or is there a way to move on and get my happy on? Is there a way to just allow myself to love him without worry that he will break my heart. Is there a way to trust my judgement enough? Can I truly have found my knight in shining armor so soon after my life crumbled into a million pieces? Is it fair for me to accept his help and rely on him to help me glue those tiny shattered pieces back together? Is it acceptable to be ecstatic about our future? To imagine how adorable our little ginger haired child will be? Am I ok to love without fear? Can I accept the past without allowing it riddle my future with fears? Can I be retrospective and cautious without being scared to live my truth?
Can I be me, all of me?
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Annoyed Juggler
Annoyance...
That is the emotion of the day, of the month it seems. I am annoyed!
I am annoyed at life.
I am annoyed at people who make me angry.
I am annoyed at toxic waste of space creatures.
But mostly I am annoyed at...
myself.
Why you ask? Why am I so annoyed at myself?
Because I have allowed myself to lose track of my goal! I have allowed myself to become so distracted with my life that I have let important goals and dreams slip away.
I have become such a juggler, yet I forgot to throw one ball in the air to juggle...
Ball 1,2,3...my kids. Being a single mom really took some adjustment. To be able to devote the amount of time and attention that I think each child deserves is freaking hard! After some bumps in the road and through trial and error, I figured it out...to some extent.
Ball 4...my new status as a full-time tax payer. Not only do I work 40/hrs a week, the hours are kicking my arse! I work from 11pm-7am. I like the job, my co-workers. But the drawbacks are the hours I spend completely alone and the fact that I have not yet been able to figure out a sleep schedule! I am sleep deprived big time. But I feel so guilty when I sleep during the day. Even though it is obviously necessary the fact that my sleeping takes away from my kids...is really hard for me.
Ball 5...my friend. I would say friends, but truth be told...I only have one actual friend here in SC, and she has expressed to me that she is bothered I haven't made time for her lately. I want nothing more, because she is one of my favorite people on the planet, but I am indeed having trouble figuring out how to keep that ball in the air. I feel like any attempts I make are not enough...so this is definitely a ball I need some work on keeping in the air.
Ball 6...my new relationship. This ball brings me so much joy, so much laughter, so much hope and renewed faith in myself. This ball is fun to juggle, but like all things in life...it takes a lot of work. The emotions that come with falling in love. The sadness that comes with disagreements. The dance of trying to mesh lives, maintain independence all while trying to find an identity as a couple...it is very trying and tiring at times. Learning each others weaknesses, strengths, annoyances, quirks. Each one of us trying to mend the other's very tattered, bruised, cracked hearts. Trying to convince him that he is amazing, incredible...and worth so much more than anyone in his life has ever made him feel...yea...it is a lot of work, quite stressful and frustrating at times...but ultimately...so freaking rewarding and worth it!
So that's where the juggling has been...what's missing...what is Ball #7?? Yea...ME! Where is the Heather that was motivated to be fit. Determined to be amazing. Convinced she could compete in triathalons if she desired...where is that ball?? I recently discovered, that ball has been hiding in the dusty corner of my converted garage room at my parents house where I live...It's there...covered in dust particles, right next to my tennis shoes and spandex running pants. It is a little bit of a bigger ball than it was 6 months ago...a little rounder...but I found the freaking ball! I need to find some motivation to make that ball pretty...shiny, fit. I need to figure out how, with all of the other important balls that are being juggled, to throw one more in the mix. I admit, I have worked out still, just very inconsistently. I am doing another 5K in 2 weeks. Majority of the days I am still doing ok on my diet. I haven't resorted back to the majority of my comfort foods...but yes...there is A LOT of room for improvement! This ball is going to somehow get back in the mix...just gotta remind myself...that the Heather ball is important too....I've come too far to let this one slip away...
After all...I am Heather 5.0, right??
Friday, August 9, 2013
This Girl is on FIRE
So, my oh my what the difference a summer can make. By now, it is no secret. The world knows I am getting divorced. Much of the world knows much too much of the drama surrounding this pending separation of lives. I have relocated myself & my kids back home to the land of humidity ridden hair, cheesy grits & bugs the size of bagels...good old South Carolina.
While I am not interested in going in to detail about the decision to divorce, the shocking behavior that has followed, what I am interested in tackling...strength.
OK, so I have never considered myself a weak person, but until recently, the word weak to me meant physical strength...I never really took the time to think about the emotional side of this. Emotionally...was I strong? Weak? Hmm...I don't know what I used to be, but I can tell you today...I feel strong(er). Today I feel more empowered, more courageous, more prepared. I have done things, accomplished things, made decisions that 2 months ago TERRIFIED me. I have cried a lot. I have doubted myself every step of the way. I continue to doubt my ability, to wonder that when these wings spread, can I truly fly? Can the fears I have be squashed by the power I now possess? I have seen glimpses, however small and brief, of this freaking powerful, bold, strong phoenix-like woman. This person, who is setting goals, accomplishing them, making shit happen! This woman who is truly, honestly beginning to dream big! Who is unphased by the naysayers. Who has learned to use insults as fuel to her fire!
Call me fat, I will run faster, burn more calories.
Call me a bitch, I will smile & laugh at your immaturity.
Tell me I'm greedy, I will work harder, making an amazing productive HAPPY life for my family of 4.
Tell me I'm your biggest mistake, I will squeeze my babies a little tighter at bedtime & thank God I got the best parts of you.
I am learning that the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. Not to get overwhelmed at its enormity. I am learning, slowly, sometimes after many failed attempts, that this is true. I set small goals for myself. And at the time they seem so insignificant and like they don't make a difference. But now, after all of these tiny things begin to turn into something bigger, something of an accomplishment, I am proud of myself for doing what I have done. For trying and succeeding to make decisions with my brain, not my emotions. It is hard at times, when the flood of feelings, the sadness, longing for the life you dreamed of, thought you would have soon...cloud your judgement and bring you down. But those days are happening less & less. I am waking positive, able to focus on the good more so than the bad. The majority of my anger is gone. I want to get my head out of the bad place & keep it up high where the beautiful things happen. I want to enjoy my kids, my life, my new (old) city. I want to explore the options. I want to find Heather...to love her, embrace her, improve her & be her.
This is all happening, slowly but surely. I am grateful to the few people who I now know I can truly count on no matter what. The people who can be honest with me, tell me their opinion, tell me when I am being a bonehead, but then wrap their arms around me & love the hell out of me. So to those...thank you. Because without you...I'd be a broken shell of the girl who could've soared, but instead gave up.
So...it is time to see what this chick is made of! Can I get a whoop whoop!?!? :)
While I am not interested in going in to detail about the decision to divorce, the shocking behavior that has followed, what I am interested in tackling...strength.
OK, so I have never considered myself a weak person, but until recently, the word weak to me meant physical strength...I never really took the time to think about the emotional side of this. Emotionally...was I strong? Weak? Hmm...I don't know what I used to be, but I can tell you today...I feel strong(er). Today I feel more empowered, more courageous, more prepared. I have done things, accomplished things, made decisions that 2 months ago TERRIFIED me. I have cried a lot. I have doubted myself every step of the way. I continue to doubt my ability, to wonder that when these wings spread, can I truly fly? Can the fears I have be squashed by the power I now possess? I have seen glimpses, however small and brief, of this freaking powerful, bold, strong phoenix-like woman. This person, who is setting goals, accomplishing them, making shit happen! This woman who is truly, honestly beginning to dream big! Who is unphased by the naysayers. Who has learned to use insults as fuel to her fire!
Call me fat, I will run faster, burn more calories.
Call me a bitch, I will smile & laugh at your immaturity.
Tell me I'm greedy, I will work harder, making an amazing productive HAPPY life for my family of 4.
Tell me I'm your biggest mistake, I will squeeze my babies a little tighter at bedtime & thank God I got the best parts of you.
I am learning that the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. Not to get overwhelmed at its enormity. I am learning, slowly, sometimes after many failed attempts, that this is true. I set small goals for myself. And at the time they seem so insignificant and like they don't make a difference. But now, after all of these tiny things begin to turn into something bigger, something of an accomplishment, I am proud of myself for doing what I have done. For trying and succeeding to make decisions with my brain, not my emotions. It is hard at times, when the flood of feelings, the sadness, longing for the life you dreamed of, thought you would have soon...cloud your judgement and bring you down. But those days are happening less & less. I am waking positive, able to focus on the good more so than the bad. The majority of my anger is gone. I want to get my head out of the bad place & keep it up high where the beautiful things happen. I want to enjoy my kids, my life, my new (old) city. I want to explore the options. I want to find Heather...to love her, embrace her, improve her & be her.
This is all happening, slowly but surely. I am grateful to the few people who I now know I can truly count on no matter what. The people who can be honest with me, tell me their opinion, tell me when I am being a bonehead, but then wrap their arms around me & love the hell out of me. So to those...thank you. Because without you...I'd be a broken shell of the girl who could've soared, but instead gave up.
So...it is time to see what this chick is made of! Can I get a whoop whoop!?!? :)
Friday, June 14, 2013
Changes
The past few weeks, have been the hardest weeks of my life. I will not go into detail at this time, but what I will say is, change is scary...
How do I know if the decisions I make today, will be the decisions I look back on in a week from now and agree they were the right ones? I am finding strength I never knew, or even dreamed I had. I am finding that Heather, when pushed, pushes back, and becomes a fierce lioness. She is tough. She is determined. She is smart. She is strong. She is capable. She is compassionate...but what she is not? Confident. I tell myself I am good enough. I tell myself I am attractive & lovable. But really, I don't believe it is true. I have amazing people in my life who tell me daily that I am good enough, not only good enough, but amazing. Is it true? Do others see qualities in me that really are there? Or do they just see me through rose colored glasses? Am I the person they think I am? Should it matter to me what others think? Is the way to build a self esteem listening to others? Isn't that why I hate myself to begin with? Because as a young impressionable child, I listened and believed when I was told I wasn't good enough? When I was told I would never be great...I was a sponge that absorbed it all. There are moments in life that I feel great, things I have written about before. But when it is just me, alone, in my thoughts, I feel small & insignificant. I want to be the phoenix I was recently compared to. I want to be that fierce hard to deter predator. Can I get there? That is the road this journey is currently taking. A road I never thought I would travel, but one I am going down...no speed limit sign in sight. I am opening my eyes to possibilities I never even saw before.
I am going to be great. I am going to do great things. I am going to make a difference. I am going to be free to be me. I am going to love hard. I am going to dream big. I am going to be the person that is hiding...I just have to find her and fight like hell to make her stay. I am going to...be me...whoever that may be.
How do I know if the decisions I make today, will be the decisions I look back on in a week from now and agree they were the right ones? I am finding strength I never knew, or even dreamed I had. I am finding that Heather, when pushed, pushes back, and becomes a fierce lioness. She is tough. She is determined. She is smart. She is strong. She is capable. She is compassionate...but what she is not? Confident. I tell myself I am good enough. I tell myself I am attractive & lovable. But really, I don't believe it is true. I have amazing people in my life who tell me daily that I am good enough, not only good enough, but amazing. Is it true? Do others see qualities in me that really are there? Or do they just see me through rose colored glasses? Am I the person they think I am? Should it matter to me what others think? Is the way to build a self esteem listening to others? Isn't that why I hate myself to begin with? Because as a young impressionable child, I listened and believed when I was told I wasn't good enough? When I was told I would never be great...I was a sponge that absorbed it all. There are moments in life that I feel great, things I have written about before. But when it is just me, alone, in my thoughts, I feel small & insignificant. I want to be the phoenix I was recently compared to. I want to be that fierce hard to deter predator. Can I get there? That is the road this journey is currently taking. A road I never thought I would travel, but one I am going down...no speed limit sign in sight. I am opening my eyes to possibilities I never even saw before.
I am going to be great. I am going to do great things. I am going to make a difference. I am going to be free to be me. I am going to love hard. I am going to dream big. I am going to be the person that is hiding...I just have to find her and fight like hell to make her stay. I am going to...be me...whoever that may be.
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