"Easy Way Out" My Ass...

Ok, so my attitude sucks today. I admit it. There are days where I can't get out of my own head and I allow my insecurities to control my life. So if this post offends anyone, I apologize, but I am being honest here because it is my blog and I am writing it because quite frankly, it is cheaper than therapy!
I am so sick of the negative attitude and opinions that have become some what of a stigma attached to gastric bypass. When someone tells me or word gets back around that people think I took the "easy way out" by having surgery my gut reaction is to punch them in their ignorant nose! Agh, it seriously makes me want to scream. Anyone who has been through this process or has known someone intimately who has, knows that this is not the "easy way out."
I didn't just wake up one morning, decide I wanted to be thin, had surgery and sat back watching soap operas and polishing my nails while the weight "melted off." Sure, there might be people out there who have, and unfortunately those are the ones who in the end, are probably the people who give gastric bypass patients a bad reputation because they eventually gain a lot, if not all of their weight back. This is not and will not be me. I have changed my ENTIRE life because of this surgery. I am diligent with my diet. I am somewhat obsessive with my exercise. I am an energetic person who is so grateful I had the opportunity to have this surgery. I started exercising about a month after surgery. What started out as simple walking has now turned into jogging, sprinting, training for 5ks, weight training, sit ups, squats, lunges, and daily exercise targeting different muscle groups. There are days (like today) that I feel so defeated because I have reached the point where there is not a whole lot more I can do on my own to change my appearance at this point. I feel like my body hates me. Yea, under clothes with enough Spanx & spandex, it doesn't look too bad. But when it is just me, unclothed in front of that horrendous bathroom mirror I feel like my excess skin stares at me and screams LOSER. Having this skin there to remind me every minute of every day, how many years I missed out on being me to my fullest is such an incredibly harsh reminder of what I allowed my weight to steal from me. I hate it. I hate my flabby arms. I hate my jiggly thighs. I hate my ocean waves stomach. No matter what I do at the gym, this crap isn't going to go away. 
So, where does this leave me? 1) Continue to be harsh on myself. Continue the negative self talk, you aren't good enough, you never will be no matter what criticism I heard constantly as a child? 2) Put on a happy face for the rest of the world to make them believe all is well with rainbows and unicorns? Pretend like there are not days that I despise myself and live in a dark world of shame and regret? 3) Stop allowing my weight issues of the past to continue to define my future and once and for all, learn to accept my damn self?? Why is this so hard??? Why do we judge ourselves so much harsher than anyone else? Why can't I see in myself what my husband says he sees when he looks at me? He says he sees the extra skin not as something to be ashamed of, but as something that deserves to be celebrated. Why in the hell can't I focus on the 125+ pounds I have lost instead of the 20 pounds I want to lose? Why can't I be proud of myself instead of thinking I am not good enough because the scale has not budged in almost 4 months? Why is this? Is this how we are designed to be? Are we designed to be our own worst critic? Or is this what society, maybe even Satan has instilled in us to make us feel unworthy to reach our full potential. 
I haven't talked about this in this kind of honesty with any of those that I know who have had this surgery, but I am pretty sure my fascination with the skin and feelings of inadequacy are more severe than most people. Is this because I lacked a single shred of self esteem as a child? Is it because I was never told I was beautiful? Is it because I never allowed any compliments of the sort because I was ashamed of my size from the very beginning? Is this going to go away? With time will this heal? Will I ever really be "ok" with Heather? If I am lucky enough to be able to have this skin removed, will it be the end of these issues, or will it then be replaced by another insecurity? Maybe it will be the scars? Or how many freckles I have? Or my pasty, unable to tan skin? Am I ever just going to be able to accept me? Will the judgement I feel from others ever really not  bother me? When I am sweating my behind off at the gym, are people really staring at my bat wings? If I wore a shirt that said "I have lost 125 pounds, stare at something else rather than my loose skin" make a difference. Do people really care??
Yea, so this is what some days are like living in the complicated head of Heather...tomorrow it will be back to the world of rainbows and unicorns...hopefully.